Sometimes I go into crazy-control-freak mode. It’s usually when I’m trying to avoid some emotion or other without knowing it.
When I’m in this state, it’s easy to think that my kitchen needs retiled, my hair needs to change, the kids need a new wardrobe, and my husband needs to change his personality entirely. Less than half of those things are true.
Also the house must be spotless and twinkling with Christmas lights NOW. Oh and we must be smiling while holding hands and singing carols. Even the baby. I become sure I’m the only one in the whole town who doesn’t have their sh&$ together enough to make their house sparkle. I start grasping and striving and It’s hard to prioritize and decide what really matters to me.
After I cry, or take some space for myself, or reach out to a friend, I can see things more clearly. The crazy-control -freak thrives on isolation, so once I connect with love, inside me or through another person, I come back to myself again.
And with my own two eyes, I see things differently. I see how I’m here with ratty hair, a messy but loved house, and one strand of battery operated Christmas lights sputtering on the porch.
Thoreau said, “it’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see,” and tonight what I see is beautiful, and perfect, and more than I wanted.